Evil Knievel’s grand nephew Jeffrey was always a little slow.

The old retardmobile was stolen so we had to get a new one.

The only cooking I am OK with in the kitchen.

Driving your woman on a Saturday really sucks in the third world.

Needless to say my weird uncle Chris was let go after only one day as the choreographer for the local high school’s cheer team.

My career as an accupuncturist may have been short-lived but was not without it’s own reward.

Kosher and amphibious music making machine.

Nope, it tastes like whale not tuna.

The first guy was cool, the second one was just copying.

We all leave my niece Bethany Anna alone once she breaks out the hand puppets and starts mumbling to herself how they will kill us.

My sister in law heard the toilet seat was cleaner than the kitchen sink so she switched things around.

Public Service Announcement: Most 65-year-olds will be dead before their kid’s graduation.

The cool part is those are actually just high-tech sewing machines.

Still less stupid to worship than a politician.

She sounds cuter with the volume turned off.

Practicing for pedestrian polo (wheelchairs are double points).

My mind’s in the gutter.

As this demonstration proves, most pets will eat you if they are hungry enough.

Still more realistic than 3 foot teddy bears taking out the same stuff that wiped everyone out in the earlier film (Stupid Lucas)

Cats are picky eaters, this one is waiting for the wipe.

Megan Fox has sworn off public appearances after an overly enthusiastic greeting by several hundred sexually repressed teenagers at a recent comic book convention.

Sadly American dentists jut aren’t competitive with their new Chinese competitors.

With my internet connection down I had to make do without a functional webcam.

Saudi women were on alert in the event America had elected a women president, thankfully they would rather have a black man driving the country.

My new apartment has little in the way of creature comforts but allows me to focus more on what’s really important in life.

Street vendors in India have seen a huge drop in income ever since touch new laws protecting wild animals were enacted.

The White House gardeners have a pointed and some would say racist sense of humor.

Ahh she’s smiling at me.

Facing a huge jump in taxes and a slumping economy I have decided to stay at home and wait for my change.

Police are considering filing charges against Abe Whitney after his girlfriend broke her neck shortly after this picture was taken (Be forewarned: drilling two inch screws into the drywall is insufficient support for a stripper pole).

I am ready and I have my 401K cash withdrawn and ready to finance this undertaking.

Disco rocks.

Covering up America’s aging infrastructure one pylon and pothole at a time.

The fruitmobile.

Computer porn is disgusting.

Sakura Fukazumi has a 1.57 ERA proving there are some gay baseball players in Japan.

I have made the switch to non-alcoholic vodka and have been sober pretty much all of the last two days.

I am pretty sure those are both male gummy bears.

My niece really seemed to enjoy her costume for Halloween, although my sister is not returning my phone calls.

Doctors are lying bastards, they told me most viruses were caused by not washing with hot water and it didn’t help one bit.

I decided to help round up the shopping carts at my neighborhood supermarket.

Sadly Jessica Alvarez, back row center was shot and killed by hunters last Saturday when the Animal Totem Club of Waco Texas went on their annual picnic.

My new hat doesn’t make me look gay does it?

This chick and I have a lot in common.

Wow that guy’s actually eating pussy, I try to avoid that by ignoring my girlfriend’s needs and avoiding Korean restaurants.

My halloween pumpkin is not only scary it’s a cannibal.

I would like to the tail on that.

Peter Parker was an annoying child.

The Barrel O’Fun van wasn’t really all it was cracked up to be before the fire broke out.

I got handicapped plates for the parking and the chicks.

XXXL storm trooper.

My new female boss has made the company’s policy about surfing P0RN totally clear to me now.

George Michael’s new halloween costume has left many unsuspecting bathroom goers sore and humiliated.

The stadium was rocking, about 4.1 on the richter scale to be exact.

The new spiderman film is trying to barrow on the success of Heath Ledger’s crazy joker character by introducing Spidey’s evil twin the hard drinking Bert.

My local KFC did not appreciate my halloween costume in their drive through or later when I tried to liberate my compatriots from their kitchen.

If I beat up all the dorks in this picture can I have my choice of the women?

Ketanna Obama lies about herself almost as much as her cousin.

I decided to do a little posing for the ladies in today’s post.

Pajir Binijbouro, Intel’s senior vice president of customer support in India actually makes less than Raul Jiminez a janitor in the Dallas office.

The design team for Transformers 2 has officially run out of good ideas.

I think if you collected all the change from the fountain for a month you could probably afford an hour with the one on the right.

http://retardmedia.com/uploads/2008/10/

Johnny Depp had some very unusual and disruptive behavior on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean.

So apparently it’s not how many containers you can lift at the same time that makes a great crane operator.

My new health plan however unpleasant has resulted in losing almost twenty pounds in three weeks and fresher breath.

The stork giveth and taketh away.

Even the statues appreciated the show.

This is exactly how Steve Irwin died.

So what do you guys think of my new Halloween costume / toupee?

This picture is one roll of duct tape away from being the greatest picture of all time.

Grandpa Steve now has a lifetime ban from the Apple store in the mall.

Barry Bonds hasn’t been tested for steroids in a year and is ready to play baseball again.

Wall Street’s old bull market statue wasn’t quite descriptive enough of the direction the economy is going in.

Optical illusion: this woman actually has a pair of eyes.

The Korean police department is training for an impending midget invasion.

No caption I just liked the view.

Obama did not appreciate my grandmother’s advances.

Kenya’s world champion cross marathon runner Mobbera Baruktu felt singled out by the Salt Lake City Police Department who asked if he had paid for those cups of water he was drinking.

On the opposite end of the police brutality spectrum, Dutch Police are now actually required to serenade the homeless before questioning them.

I wasn’t arrested, I just paid extra for this.

In a surprising twist this year’s election will be decided on a special November 4th episode of Dancing with the Stars.

When squirrels attack.

The Indian Colgate wisdom tooth says “Please hold this call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.”

I wrote in the guy working at 7/11 instead.

Note to self: Just because I make rocket launcher noises while driving my work truck does not mean it’s an armored vehicle that can drive through walls.

Joe the plumber lost it on a vacation to Japan when he found out about how high his taxes would be if he was a millionaire in Japan.

That chick is a total dog.

Claiming I had a million shares of a major stock got me this stripper to go home with me and wanted to marry me before she found out it I had everything in Shearson Lehman Brothers.

I still tried to hook up with the one in the orange shirt even though I caught her in the men’s bathroom and found out her’s was bigger than mine.

Struggling thousand dollar a night Swiss hotels have a new anything goes policy to keep their rooms filled.

I complete disagree with this misguided woman and am strangling one right now while I look at her.

My new dating strategy is working out unbelievably well.

I’d like a bite out of that.

Wow, so they do have twinkies in China.

Sadly my experiments with zero-carbon flight only served to make me the subject of even more internet ridicule than normal.

Thrifty Southwest Airline passengers can save up to 80% flying on their new ‘Tweener’ class.

Sadly Tobey Maguire has put on so much weight that production for the new Spiderman has been delayed for ten months while he undergoes gastric bypass surgery.

Sadly because of cutbacks to schools in the Middle East terrorists can’t read.

Red Woodchuck to Black Squirrel quit taking pictures of nuts and get me some bush before I scrub this mission.

This unused Microsoft campaign ‘Where do you want to go before you pass out and urinate on yourself’ is still better than that Seinfeld crap.

Former child star Kaycee Grindstaff struggled to find work after a three year run on Barney and was forced into some very bad things.

The same is also true for former child star Wil Wheaton who starred on Star Trek the Next Generation.

I found out too late there were no breaks on my cruise ship this summer and apparently have some kind of lifetime ban from tours of the bridge.

This week on ESPN7 toddler tossing (and not the catholic priest version you sickos).

I like the new Dodge Challenger to but that’s just weird.

Apparently off roading in construction equipment is not covered under my auto insurance policy.

I don’t care what he calls himself now, I will always call him Hector.

My sister and I are forming an Everquest gang – you are so invited to join we meet every day behind the Math Lab.

Grandma blew a .25 and got another ticket, on the plus side she didn’t break anything this time.

My environmentally friendly new school bus is way cooler looking than the old short bus I used to ride.

My uncle Jeff keeps trying to get me to go camping with him.

I tried to order the exact same thing.

I am the real Kung Fu Panda.

I had that one about seven months ago.

Sure most guys don’t have the legs to wear this swimsuit but I look the way I look in it.

Nicolas Cage’s combover/hair plug combo has taken on a life of it’s own.

In Star Wars 10 the Wookies eat Jar Jar Binks in what can only be described as the best scene in the movie.

Sure this might be dangerous to take an 84 year old woman on stunts like this but she is leaving me $200,000 dollars so…

I think she just got a parking ticket.

Chinese parking lot ten years ago.

Same Chinese parking lot in another ten years.

I like blending two boring sports together to make one awesome one.

I don’t think that orange one is ripe yet.

Wow look at all those yellow ones.

Rihanna actually being used by two men as an umbrella.

Don’t even ask about my last internet dating disaster, my offensive line coach and I can barely look at each other after Saturday night.

Scraping for ideas the Seven Dwarfs were recycled for this sequel to The Ruins, poor Snow White had no idea what had happened before she accidentally touched the vine.

Every time I think about going to the bathroom I will am afraid of this happening, which is why I just go poop on my neighbor’s lawn.

I humped a vending machine after it cost me 75 cents and wouldn’t give me my skittles.

Beware of man-eating ambulances.

I told my new Russian bride to stroke her pussy on her webcam and to be rough with it but fell sorry for the poor little guy afterwards.

Dealing with gas prices nearly doubling in the last couple of years Winnebago is planning much smaller campers for 2010 – here is a sneak peek at their all new camper.

I regret telling my ex-girlfriend how to get, how to get to Sesame Street.

To be handicapped please use stairs on the left.

My Honda Civic didn’t fare well doing Dukes of Hazard moves in the company parking lot.

According to political insiders McCain threw the last debate after being threatened with a beat-down by Obama just days before.

My waitress may have drowned thank God my beer survived.

I don’t know about you but I’d run scruffy over for an hour alone with that.

Small children area life saver if attacked by a mountain lion, their thirty or so pounds of meat will feed the lion long enough for you to escape.

Target acquired – check.
Mouth full of vomit – check.
Leave cart in grocery store due to loss of appetite saving $76.43 – check.

Our family trips to the beach always ended with one of us kids dragging dad back to shore after drinking too much and threatening the lifeguards. Memories…

Sadly team leader Charles Rogers of the Harlam Globetrotters broke his neck shortly after this picture was taken, leading to the first victory for the Washington Generals in team history.

That’s not beer.

Today’s forecast is scattered beatings, subjugation of women with a 20% chance of stoning.

This illustration offers clues about the next season of Lost, according to the rumor John Locke who recovered from being in a wheelchair in the first season has a gender operation after being kicked in the nuts.

Pimp my ride modified this train for bouncing with mixed results.

I have since been banned from Sombras Night Club, although on the plus side I did get three dollar bills and one phone number (although it turned out to be fake).

This week on the Sci-Fi Channel’s movie of the week Falajinin, asmall village in Malaysia is attacked when this giant baby snake’s mother takes her vengeance on them.

What seemed like a great shortcut turned out to be my last day of trucking, which is cool my new job at Burger King has all the free food I can eat without getting caught.

After decades of public turmoil with Prince Charles, Diana and the lot of them Queen Elizabeth decided to bypass two generations of the Royal Family altogether and skip ahead to her little known five-year-old great-granddaughter Queen Beatrice the first.

I wouldn’t want Amy Winehouse sit on my car seat without on of those protective plastic car seat condoms on them.

After this weekend’s halloween costume parade I have been legally barred from every baby sitting my niece.

None of my friends will ever go with me on a roller coaster again after last summer’s ‘incident’ on the Goliath.

My new toaster.

Last summer I worked construction for nearly three weeks until this slight misunderstanding.

My new car is Nintendo powered.

MTV has introduced a new Latin version of it’s popular ‘Pimp-My-Ride’ show attempting to get a foothold in the emerging Hispanic market.

At work we got to go home early on Friday after running out of meet.

Carrie Fisher’s career has been in a tailspin and with alcohol & mental problems she recently appeared in this low budget adult film.

Retard Empire is test marketing it’s latest time-saving innovation the drive-and-dump chair which allows commuters to multi-task their way home.

My very first flight simulator, although later I fell off the coffee table and broke an arm – I’m scared of flying to this day.

My last day at of work for the Texas Highway Department was probably my the most fun I ever had at that lame job.

I am including this graphic for tracking my new diet.

Holland’s decades of legal drug use have had serious mental health consequences.

Even chicks stare where they aren’t supposed to. EYES!

Long months without leave, and a shrinking percentage of females have combined to very confused recruits in the Chinese military.

The burrito blast is now an illegal move after this year’s olympics.

invisible.

visible.

Sure there’s no music coming out of those girl’s ear muffs but who are we to judge?

At Retard Empire headquarters we installed a jacuzzi over the weekend.

Note to self stay off my grandpa’s myspace page.

Even Legos are going to hell, they would have never made a set like this when I was a kid.

Retard Media is a grammar-free-zone.

Barbie has a new teen doll warning about the dangers of un-protected intercourse, they are selling this one and a herpes doll just in time for Christmas.

My breakfast can stand on it’s own before it plugs my arteries closed.

I support donuts, but refuse even one penny to either corrupt political party.

I had a few atheists come to my door yesterday, but I could tell they really didn’t believe in what they were doing.

Someone has stolen the retard-mobile, anyone with information about the theft is asked to contact retardempire.

My Ironman costume comes in a woman’s version.

I put a no-urinatiing sign in the alley behind where I work.

My personal guitar hero.

Now that is a high-definition television.

This table was recently auctioned off from the Michael Jackson estate – apparently he kept the keys to his room that he would lock from the inside in this table.

I splurged and got myself a birthday present.

To reduce violence and aggression in the Olympics wrestling matches now begin with a two-minute slow song.

Farid Muhammad Azir of Pakistan won the race but was stoned to death for hugging her coach after the surprise victory.

I purchased a surplus vehicle from an contractor who worked in Iraq and now feel safe driving around the bad parts of Dallas.

Believe it or not I got a speeding ticket after the last hurricane in Texas.

At first we all thought she was sleeping until that black bird started picking at her eyes and she didn’t move.

I am so keeping my weird uncle Steve away from my Christmas angel this year.

This year’s first international chair races ended with a trip to the emergency room for Dan.

My neighbors liked to party but I left after Jeff took his pants off and started kissing his mother in law.

Backstage Disneyland Paris.